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Two men are discussing the age old
question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by
and listens in for awhile and then interrupts:
"Listen you guys. You know when your ear
itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for
awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"
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New Doctor
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Subject:
President Hillary
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" says Hillary, "I don't know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary again says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater." **************
An old man lived
alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard
work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them
collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The
other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian
slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say:
'Could you please pass the butter?'
Ralph Nader, Al Gore
and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun (if you believe
Nader ever has fun) and relaxation (if you believe Gore ever relaxes).
After a healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the gentleman's room. Be sure to check out our latest feature: a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with a wish. But be warned -- if you say something false, you'll be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity. "They entered, and on finding the mirror Nader said, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three." In an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money, which he donated to the Green Party. Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three." And he suddenly found the keys to a new Lexus in his hand, which he liked because it was better than his own car. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, Bush looked in the mirror and said, "I think..." - and was promptly sucked into the void.
Trivia or Humor... You
Decide !
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till
after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every
historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of
them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.
Three
old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tillie were sitting on a
"A New Car"
Blonde Jokes
He walks over, pulls the
flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end,
and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks
away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and
laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the
height and he gives us the length!"
BLONDE one
liners
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." ********** I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. ********** A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it. ********** For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class. *****************************************************
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in them driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I." The Mailman thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?" Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "your name was guessed four or five times."
********************************************************
Two West Virginians were having the blue plate special at their favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a 'possum burger too fast. The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "I Reckon," said the second hillbilly. The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no." Kin yew talk?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."
The next time you (or anyone you know) receives a rejection letter after having interviewed for a job, send the following letter back in reply: Subject: Human Resources Dear Hiring Manager, Thank you for your letter of May 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants. Sincerely, Interviewee |
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